?

Log in

April 2007   01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30
me

Don't Fart in Bed

Posted by luvofturtles on 02.26 2007. at 02:40
Current Mood: amusedamused
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to blast them out.

Then one Thanksgiving she was in the kitchen making turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked a the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver, and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic  waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran to the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said "Honey you were right. All theses years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

default
Posted by angellamongus on 02.26 2007. at 04:14
CIRCUMCISED . THIS IS PRICELESS

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming
around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to
find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he
had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told
him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and
ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class.



Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to
investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his weenie hanging
out. "I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.



"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till
noon,
she'd come and pick me up from school."

Dr Crusher retro

Toddler diet

Posted by detailoring on 02.25 2007. at 09:36
THE TODDLER DIET

People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days.

Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet.

Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck !!!

DAY ONE

Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat two bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take one bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and cloth.

Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (three sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, four sips of flat Sprite.

Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO

Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch: Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina DogChow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.

Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.

DAY THREE

Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.

Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.

FINAL DAY

Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner: Drop pieces of spaghetti onto back of dog, insert meatball into ear. Dump pudding into Kool-Aid and suck up with a straw.

REPEAT DAYS AS NEEDED!

Dr Crusher retro

The Senior and the New Car

Posted by detailoring on 02.23 2007. at 02:35
A Washington senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of a Seattle dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-5, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the State Patrol car behind him, blue and red lights flashing. He floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Washington State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper.

Dr Crusher retro

Statements in court

Posted by detailoring on 02.22 2007. at 10:23
Current Mood: amusedamused
Statements Made in Court

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?Collapse )


Dr Crusher retro

Women and English

Posted by detailoring on 01.26 2007. at 01:52
swiped from xmissdemeanorx

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No.
2. No = Yes.
3. Maybe = No.
4. We need = I want.
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry.
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble.
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not.
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later.
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry.
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy.
3. I am tired = I am tired.
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now.
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay.

And finally.....

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eyeball.

Dr Crusher retro
Posted by detailoring on 01.17 2007. at 03:24
A Mountie pulleda car over on the Trans Canada about 2 miles West of Winnipeg. When theMountie asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that hewas a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Brandon to do ashow that night at the Shrine Circus and he didn't want to be late.

The Mountie told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if thedriver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him aticket. The driver told the Mountie that he had sent all of his equipmenton ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Mountie told him that hehad some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he couldjuggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Mountie got threeflares, lit them and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doinghis juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.

A drunk, good old boy, driving through from Alberta got out and watchedthe performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened therear door, and got in.

The Mountie observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car,opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. Thedrunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, cause there's nobloody way I can pass that test."

geek pride
Posted by nerdgirl on 01.16 2007. at 12:57
Flat Belly

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of
His dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to Find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, "what were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies, "well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flaten it."

"Your wasting your time," said the boy.

"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up....

"See what happens when you LIE to your child !!

The Amazon

Posted by cutecat218 on 01.09 2007. at 07:07
There were three guys who had gone to college together, and they decided to take a canoeing trip on the Amazon River. The three guys were all from different countries. One was American, the other British, and the other from France.

So, they are on their expedition slowly going through the Amazon, when they are surrounded and captured by
pygmies

Back at the tribal area they are tied up to a post, while the pygmies discuss amongst themselves what to do with them.

Finally the head of the tribe comes back.

The tribe head says: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is, we are going to kill you
and use your skin to make new canoes. The good news is, we will let you choose how you want to
die. We will accommodate you with anything you need to use to die. So they untie the three men, and surround them.

Looking frightened and puzzled the Frenchman says ok.
I'll take a sword. They get him a sword. The French man holds the sword
way up in the sky and yells VIVA LA FRANCE, and stabs himself to his death.

The British man steps up and says: I'll take a gun. They get him a gun.
The British man yells GOD SAVE THE QUEEN, and he shoots himself to his death.

The American, standing there trying to make sense of all this, scratches his
chin wondering what to ask for. He looks at them and says: Give me a fork.
The tribe seemed puzzled, but managed to fetch a fork.

They handed the fork to the American and he began pricking himself with the fork,
making sure to make strong puncture marks. While he is standing there making
a bunch of puncture marks all over himself, he looks at the tribe and says THERE!!
TRY MAKING A CANOE OUT OF THIS!!

Dr Crusher retro

Getting into Heaven

Posted by detailoring on 01.01 2007. at 02:17
Current Mood: amusedamused
After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her: "Hello. How are you? We've been waiting for you. Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "l-o-v-e," and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation, and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."


Previous 10  Next 10