Posted by blackvelvetx on 04.22 2007. at 02:01
Rodney walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy here."
The bartender says, "You want both drinks now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?"
Rodney says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here."
With that he pulls out a little 3 inch man from hispocket.
The bartender says, "Wow! And you mean to say he can drink that much?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink it all, and then some," the man retorted. So the bartender poured the two shots. Sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing," says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?"
Rodney flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Al,go fetch that quarter." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter, and runs back down and gives it to Rodney.
The bartender is totally amazed by this display. "That's amazing," he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"
Rodney looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks, "Talk? Sure he talks. Hey Al, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa on safari and you insulted that witch doctor!"
Posted by detailoring on 04.16 2007. at 09:31
At Penn State University , there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an "A" so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to
visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to State College until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final.
The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam. The Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points.
Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy.... then they turned the page.
On the second page was written.... For 95 points:
Which tire? _________
Posted by thehat on 04.05 2007. at 01:27
How many fantasy characters does it take to change a light bulb?
Epic Fantasy Writer: How many you got?
Traditional Fantasy Writer: One. There can be only one Chosen One.
Quest Fantasy Writer: One, but he must form a party of adventurers to
retrieve the magic pliers first.
Romantic Fantasy Writer: Two, but they must do it while sharing a
Erotic Fantasy Writer: Three, but they must do it naked while sharing a
Horror Fantasy Writer: One, as long as it's a tentacle slivering from
the bottomless pit.
Urban fantasy writer: Three. A werewolf, a vampire, and a chic in
leather with a gun.
Literary Fantasy Writer: One, but it will take me four pages to describe
Slipstream Fantasy Writer: Is the light bulb an allegory for birth or
Sci-Fi Writer: Who uses light bulbs? Honestly...
Posted by detailoring on 04.01 2007. at 11:23
Sarah walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" Sarah explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy. I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license; they'll throw us in jail...bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
Sarah reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed... with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Posted by detailoring on 03.21 2007. at 12:27
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject and, finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Startled, the blonde moved farther down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde, now worried, moved clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut a hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
She stopped, looked skyward, and asked, "IS THAT YOU, LORD?"
The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK!"
Posted by luvofturtles on 03.18 2007. at 03:47
Current Location: kitchen
Current Mood: amused
What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry La Prise, the man who wrote the song "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in...
...and then the trouble started.
"What is the Hokey Pokey all about?"
taken from celticmaid, thanks =)
Posted by luvofturtles on 03.14 2007. at 08:54
taken from celticmaid
A car was driving down the street when all of a sudden it started swerving. The car was going back and forth till someone with a cell phone called the police. A police officer pulled the car over.
A blonde rolls down the window and says, " Officer, I'm so glad you are here. I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!"
The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."
Posted by detailoring on 03.11 2007. at 11:59
I was out walking with my 4 year old son. He picked up something off the ground and started to put it in his mouth. I took the item away from him and I asked him not to do that.
"Why?" my son asked.
"Because it's been on the ground, and you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied.
At this my son looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mommy, how do you know all this stuff?"
"Uh," I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but he was evidently wondering about this new information.
"OH... I get it!" he beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."
"Exactly" I replied with a big smile on my face.
Posted by detailoring on 03.03 2007. at 11:01
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise , God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were True heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were Dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long. And in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the Head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled Your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
Posted by detailoring on 03.03 2007. at 10:57
The latest telephone poll taken by the office of the Governor of California asked whether people who live in California think illegal immigration is a serious problem.
A) 35% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."
B) 65% of respondents answered: "No es una problema serio."